You try to beat your partner to
bed so that you are sleeping
before he or she hits the hay.
Or, on the flip side, you come
up with reasons to stay up late
so that your partner is zonked
out before you? Of course, there
is the whole, “I have a
headache” scenario, too.
If any of this sounds familiar,
don’t get down. There really
may be legitimate reasons why
your libido is taking a nosedive.
Once you know that, you can
get to work fixing it!
Many women experience a low
s*x drive, according to
relationship experts. We talked
to Dr. Fran Walfish, Psy.D, a
relationship and intimacy expert
and author of The Self-Aware
Parent, as well as Dr. Gino
Tutera, MD, FACOG,OB/GYN, to
find out what some of the
causes are and what you can
do to reignite the spark in the
bedroom.
GETTING TO THE SOURCE
The first thing you need to do is
rule out whether this is a
medical or hormonal problem,
recommends Dr. Walfish. Have
a full exam with your OB/GYN,
including a full-panel blood test
to check your hormone levels.
Dr. Tutera, who specializes in
menopause, specifically points
to testosterone, the hormone
that influences our s*x drive. “If
your testosterone level is low,
your desire to have s*x will be
too.” If your blood test results
reveal this, ask your doctor
about the treatments available to
you.
If your doctor can’t identify a
medical explanation, then ask
yourself whether you’ve always
had a low libido or if there’s
been a sudden or gradual onset,
suggests Dr. Walfish. If your
s*x drive was once generally
higher than it is nowadays, the
chances of getting your libido
back up to that point are
greater. Never having
experienced a higher s*x drive
is more unusual, but definitely
NOT hopeless. No matter which
category you fall under, you still
have some digging to do.
MAKE ROOM FOR MEMORIES
Is your past flooded with
negative messages about
se*uality and/or pleasuring
yourself?
It’s hard to distance yourself
from the messages that
surrounded your formative
years, especially on a topic that
many people have strong views
on. What did your parents,
teachers, or other role models
tell you about s*x? Was it not
talked about? Was it shameful?
Was it natural? Try to
understand how your upbringing
influenced your perception of
s*x. It could be having a more
lasting impact on you than you
think.
Dr. Walfish says she can tell a
lot from her patients by their
reactions to questions about
their s*xual history (e.g. their
bodies become tense or visibly
uncomfortable when s*x is
being discussed). “Some
women don’t know that they’re
allowed to (and supposed to)
enjoy s*x just as much as their
partner does,” says Dr. Walfish.
If this is the case, talking to a
therapist can help you feel more
comfortable with your body and
s*xual activity.
MAYBE YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT
INTO HIM
When your s*x drive is at its
lowest, it can be a sure sign
that you’re with the wrong
partner, according to Dr.
Walfish.
Are the people you’re selecting
for s*xual partners narcissistic,
selfish, or even abusive? This
can take a toll on your self-
esteem, confidence, and the way
you view s*x within your
partnership. For example, if a
man doesn’t make you feel like
you’re special to him, you may
constantly fear that you aren’t
measuring up to his past s*xual
partners—having that on the
brain is a buzz kill for anyone!
Even if your partner makes you
feel good about yourself, he
may just not be addressing your
physical needs. Communicating
what you want in bed is a
difficult thing for many women,
but the rewards are endless.
Talk to someone you trust about
how they communicate
instructions in bed — and take
notes!
STRESS LESS
Dr. Tutera contends that the
primary cause for low libido in
young women, assuming a
hormonal reason has been ruled
out, is stress. It makes sense;
no one is going to have dirty
thoughts running through their
mind if there’s no room
If you think this might be the
cause of your low s*x drive, try
addressing the stress issue first
and separately. As you start de-
stressing methods that work for
you, see how your s*xual
desires change.
“The bottom line is that
everyone has a right to personal
happiness and s*xual pleasure,”
says Dr. Walfish. When it
comes to experiencing low
libido, she emphasizes that
you’re not alone so have no
shame.
Dr. Tutera echoes Walfish’s
sentiments: “Women should
never be embarrassed or scared
of their low s*x drive.” Be
proactive in bettering your s*x
life by talking about it. and making effort in seeing the issue solved.
@nnajioforx
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